


Sweeney Potter: Demon Barber of Nottingham Street

by maymabane



Category: Almost Every Alan Rickman Movie, An awfully big adventure, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991), Sweeney Todd (2007)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, I pretty much used every character ever, Language, M/M, Multi, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-18
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-03 21:15:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/386047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maymabane/pseuds/maymabane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wanted to know about Voldemort and the Death Eaters?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> V: Voldemort  
> SS: Severus Snape  
> F: Fenrir  
> HP: Harry Potter  
> HG: Hans Gruber  
> JT: Judge Turpin   
> ST: Sweeney Todd  
> SoN or SN: Sheriff of Nottingham  
> B: Bellatrix  
> ML: Mrs. Lovett  
> P: Pious (random death eater)
> 
> It's mostly random death eaters and characters I like. If you're curious just send it through the comments.

Sweeney Potter: Demon Wizard of Nottingham Street

Chapter 1

A Normal Day in Voldy's Life

I'm adding the sheriff of Nottingham in like chapter 3

NG: Hey Voldy! Your so fine your so fine you blow my mind, hey voldy, hey hey voldy, ( jumping up and down.

V: Um...so who are you again? ( smoking Marilyn Monroe type cigarette)

NG: I don't know, do you?( fan girl squeal that sound like feed back)

( death eaters shriek from the hideous sound ducking under the table like puppies)

V: Dafuq bruh? Y u know shut up?

SS: ( takes ear plugs out.) what?

V: You keep in ear plugs?

SS: I have to. Occupation calls for it.

V: OK, What did you want to tell me again ( reads name tag slowly) New Guy?

NG: I have a plan, and it will definitely help us catch Harry Potter.

V: Really and what is this plan?

NG: Here's Harry Potter, standing up, practicing his magic, whoop-de-doo...then we capture him, on our yacht. Then we slice him up, like salami.

V: We have a yacht? And slice him up! Wizards are not violent psychopaths.

LM: Er... we had a yacht since we had your surprise "we failed once again at catching Harry Potter, but we can still have a break because I don't won't to be all stressed out about something that just can't be fixed unless I finally have the guts to fix it, but I'm such a wimp, I'll invite my death eaters to come pity me as I cry my eyes out about my failures" party, Remember Bella's bringing the bon-bons. We are not RAGING psychopaths maybe like disturbed next door neighbors.

V: Ah. Very good analogy Lucius, but disturbed next door neighbor, come on Bella at least has to be an escaped loony, I think I'm a creepy doctor.

LM: Maybe your a bit more than a creepy doctor. Kinda of egomaniac with a side of Night Terrors disease riddled with a pinch of Schizophrenia and a delicious taste of your everyday nutty.

F: Lovely point. I caught him sniffing his fingers yesterday.

V: They had barbeque sauce on them! And Schizophrenia? I am most certainly not! ( scratches at hallucinated bug.) Eww get off.

LM: Umm... denial is not just a river in Peru.

SS: Egypt. You may look girly but you sure are dumb. (Bellatrix is about to drink Voldemort's wine) He drinks snake venom Bella. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

V: Damn Severus! You talk to much!

Ng: Like my wife poisoned herself....

(Everyone looks at the new person)

V: That's irrelevant. And wtf?

NG: like- as in similar- my- mine- wife- companion to husband- poisoned- drank arsenic- herself.

V: Right. So…I want pizza. New person, you're in charge of pizza.

SS: Can we have stuffed crust?

All in Unison: Mmm...Stuffed crust.

V: Sure, we can stuff as many crust as our runny butts can take.

D: What? How does that make sense? 

V: Diarrhea makes sense.

SS: I'm thirsty. Like my throat is completely dry. (makes a scratchy sound with his throat.

V: So...

SS: Get me something to drink!

V: Fine! Wormy get Severus here some-

SS: Vanilla Coca Cola.

LM: Butter beer.

V: Who asked you himbo?

LM: Nobody sweetums but I figured since we-

V: Lucy. Just shut up!

NG: Blood, guts, and intestines!

(Everyone glares at NG)

F: Rock on new guy!

V: Well we can order diet blood.

LM: does diet blood have salt?

SS: I don't like salty shit.

LM: Then stop sucking off Potter.

Death Eaters; Oooo.

SS: Lucius go fuck your boyfriend.

Death E: Oooo.

( Voldemort is noticing that Sweeney is stabbing a judge Turpin voodoo doll. )

LM: He loves me… even if he did call me stupid. Don't you love me Voldemort?

V: Um… N-yes. But I think Severus has prettier eyes.

LM: But you said my eyes were-

V: I've noticed that the new guy is strange, violent, and emo.

P: (Jumping up and down) Ooo, Ooo! I know! I know!

V: Sit down! Just use your buzzer

(Pious hits violently on his buzzer yet no sound.)

P: It's broken!

( Fenrir buzzes his)

Fenrir: Who is… Sweeney Todd?

V: Congratulations! You just won Jeopardy!

(confetti explodes from Pious' buzzer)

V: That's probably why it wasn't working.

P: You think?

W: No, no celebration! I saw the movie! He's going to kill me!

SS: Sweeney…

ST: Yes, Hans Gruber…

V: You can hate from afar, but you can't kill snape's mini-me.

ST: Okay…

SS: Mini- me can you get him a pumpkin juice?

W: Yes, milord.

ST: He helped kill my wife! (Pointing at Wormtail)

W: He said hate from afar!

ST: Lucky.

SS: See it's that easy, Mr. Todd. I'll even buy you a killer's guide to redemption.

ST: (grumbles) stupid guide.

V: Sweeney…as a consolation to the deaths of your foes, will you like playing golf with flamingos and porcupines? Then after wards you can screw one of my prostitutes.

ST: are we drinking pineapple juice from turtle shells?

V: We are in fact.

ST: Lovely.

A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 2

(The Death Eaters are playing golf with flamingos and porcupines)

V: Hmm...Snape. Choose a putt for me.

SS: I recommend a pink African flamingo, they hit well, as well as the smallest porcupine for the best shot.

V: Fine, Wormtail handle the porcupine.

W: But it will-

V: excusez-moi?

W: I don't speak French...

ST: Yes you do you wife killing, lady chasing little piece of s-

V: Dude…chill. Put away your little knife and go get me some soda.

ST: Okay. (stomps away)

V: Wormtail you disgust me.

W: Thank you milord.

SS: I thought I was his milord. The Dark lord is my lord, you idiot.

V: Severus… really?

SS: Yeah! Until we settle out who is who's milord and my lord, I'm Duke of The Oogie Boogie Potions and Whores!

F: But that's my nickname.

SS: For now you'll be the Earl of Funkadelic Disco.

F: I like that. ( starts to do the hump)

V: What about me? Do I get an 70's related nickname.

LM: You can be the high priest of party town. I'm the Bishop of all things feminine and sexy.

P: I claim the Judge Hot pants.

(Voldemort is snickering.)

V: You don't look hot in hot pants.

SS: I do ( pulls off robes and shakes hot pants clad ass vigorously.

B: What's that smell? Out of Snape's ass?

SS: Don't be a hater bitch!

(Everyone sniffs)

V: Smells like fat kids, red heads, short guys- not you Mundungus , and …Potter?

(Harry bursts in with a humongous explosion behind him.)

H: I'm here to kill you Tom.

V :( whispering) Quick everyone act like it's your first time seeing him.

(Everyone acts like they just saw him)

V: Hi, I'm Lord Voldemort. Have I threatened your life before?

H: What? Of course you have, ever since I was one.

SS: Hey…I think I know you from that taco place in…Tacoma?

H: Um...I'm Harry Potter? You all want me impaled on a spear…well, not you snape because-

SS: Shut up. They don't need to know.

V: Hmm...Doesn't ring a bell? Ring a bell to any of you?

(Death eaters shake their heads)

H: I'll be leaving then…

V: Wait…I have something to tell you, Hair-eee Pot-err.

H: Yes, Lord Voldemort?

V: Avada Kedavra!

A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 3

(Bellatrix is talking to Voldy in his office.)

V: Okay, Bellatrix. What did you get me for my birthday?

B: My toenails in a jar, and my hair in a fluffy sweater.

V: Okay… Bella why would you do that?

B: Love.

V: Sit on the other side of the room.

(Bellatrix sits on the opposite side of the room. She is writing a letter.)

V: All right, now that Potter is dead, I can worry about what I am going to do about this house. We need it remodeled into a thousand bedroom mansion, with eight hundred- Bellatrix what are you doing?

B: Sending you a letter…Read it.

(Voldemort opens letter.)

V: "Dear Voldy Pooh, I watched you while you slept, and smelled your robes. You smell like peppermint and pumpkins. Is it your body wash or your natural scent-" Bella! Why were you in my room?

B: …

V: Clearly, we are going to need to set some boundaries. There will be no odd robe sniffing, no weird letters, and no-

(Bellatrix is rubbing Voldemort through his robes. Voldemort is staring at her)

B: ( looks up) Hi. (Continues rubbing)

V: Hey…don't wanna ruin your fun but stop it. I thought I said no touching me.

B: You said I can't sniff your robes, so I can RUB your trousers, shirts, socks, and other materials.

V: All right, no touching anything that is in my possession. Please leave me alone.

B: Oh…Can I take one mismatch sock, or tie, or shoe…

V: (sighs)  _Accio Sock. Wait, I don't even wear socks…( hands her a dirty napkin)_

B: (Bellatrix rubs napkin on her face) Anything will do. Thanks.

Chapter 2

Sleepover

V: Okay since everyone is here, we can start on the fun. The makeovers or pillow fight first?

F: Pillow fight.

L: Makeovers!

SS: Pillow Fight.

ST: Pillow fight. So I can beat a certain judge to-

(Everyone is staring at him)

ST: I mean…makeovers… whoo?

V: Okay, makeovers! Snape, get the nail polish.

SS: Wouldn't be cool if all of our nails would match?

V: LOL, like totally…

D: He just said like totally…

F: orange.

L: purple, like the color of juicy grapes on a succulent vine.

SS: is it truly all that?

LM: The color grape inspires me.

ST: Blood- red. Like blood flowing from Turpin's neck, or a vampire finishing off his victim.

(Everyone is staring at him, frightened this time)

ST: Chartreuse? Like Bella's teeth?

V: Uh-huh.

L: I like sparkly stuff. ( giggles)

V: ( non-existent eye brows raise)

ST: Can we tell some scary stories until the sheriff gets here?

V: Yeah… I guess we can.

Part 2

(Draco, Severus, Fenrir, Lucius, and Voldemort, Sweeney are sitting around a magical fire, telling a story.)

D: And then, the magical cranberry ate the chicken leg… the chicken's family never knew that cranberries had mouths.

L: What was that? A magical cranberry… I told Narcissa one drop on the head was enough for a child to go crazy, but no-she's a Black!

ST: See, childhood head dropping is dangerous.

SS: says the creepy guy making references to killing judges.

ST: says the creeper judge who is infatuated with a woman ¾ his age.

D: (to the tune of Barbie Girl) Distract, distraction, distract, distraction, distraction, distraction…

V: Sweeney…hate from afar?

ST: (sighs)

SS: Once upon a time, a wizard went into Borgin& Burks, and he saw the most horrible thing in his life…

F: Wizards?

D: Harry Potter?

L: Unfashionable shoes?

ST: Nellie Lovett?

V: Half Bloods?

(Harry pops up out of nowhere) Hypocrite!

V: Shut up you!

(Harry disappears)

SS: No… Margaret Thatcher.

( everyone shivers)

L: I totally thought you were going to saw shampoo.

SS: Really? I actually wash my hair. This is just a wig. ( takes off wig and revels Sheriff of Nottingham styled hair.)

Everyone: whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

SS: I know lush isn't it.

L: Give me your hair tips oh sexy one.

SS: Hell naw baby , gotta keep dis sweetness to myself

V: Wow and to think we thought you a greasy git.

L: I know life is full of-

SS: Lucy my hair hates you , shut up.

L: Ugh angst attack, ( falls back twitching)

Fenrir:(listening to a muggle MP3) Super, super, I'm super, super girl

SS: is that Hannah Montana? ( while brushing his luscious hair)

V: I bet it is…Can I listen?

F: Shut up! ( bobbing his head)  _when I walk in the room everybody stops, cameras flashing-_

L: I wanna listen.

V: Draco, provide us with some music.

L: Yeah. Make sure it's Hannah Montana!

ST: That's gay. (Laughing)

SS: You sucked dick for like fifteen years in prison.

ST: ( silent scratches his skunk hair.)

D: Absolutely.  _I've got my heart set on you and I'm ready to play…_

All:  _the last time I freak out. I just kept looking down I stu-stu-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinking bout, felt like I couldn't breath-_

( knocking on door)

D: Who is it?

V: My buddy! The sheriff came to play with us for the day!

SS: Will I like him?

V: We'll see… I want you two to get more than friendly.

SS: What?

V: Draco!

D:  _nobody's perfect, you live it you learn it…_

Chapter 3

( the sheriff of Nottingham is one of Voldemort's friends)

V: Welcome to my bake off. As you see, I am wearing Bella's blouse and we have a guest. the Metatron couldn't make it.

McNair: Doesn't Bella have "issues"?

( death eaters open their mouths)

V: No people she doesn't have boob crabs.

( death eaters sigh)

SON: Awww….

L: Why are you wearing a purple shirt? It's really not your color.

V: Why are you such an idiot? My tone works perfectly well with purple.

L: No it doesn't and you realize all of Bellatrix's clothing is infested with gonorrhea and all her lacerating cooties?

V: She doesn't- ( touches face, and licks his hand)I'll be back.

SON: ( to Sweeney) Why did he lick his fingers?

ST: I don't know, but we'll ask him.

SN: NO! I'm shy and I'm afraid he won't give me a cookie!

LM: HE PROMISED YOU A COOKIE!

SN: ( sticks tongue out) and you can't have any.

SS: Cookie sharing is a step closer to lover.

LM: Severus we both know he is my lover!

SS: He was in my room last night.

LM: Doing what?

SS: I don't know( giggling) he has a big-

V: Holy Canoli! All that cream filled goodness got in me trousers

SS: exactly!

V: Pious what did you bring?

ST: ( raising his hand)

V: Yes little school boy.

ST: Why'd you lick your fingers?

V: Bella has odd habits.

ST: Like?

V: ( whispers something into Sweeney's ear. Sweeney's face screws up.)

( Sweeney is now fidgeting like a little girl.)

V: Back to you Pious.

P: a pecan log.

ST: Ooo… sweet yummy delicious mounds of pecan, and yummy.

SN: I brought my pet chick slave.

SS: that's nice. Is she pretty?

SN: Not as pretty as you.

SS: ( giggles)

V: (wrinkles already invisible nose) Ewww. What's in it?

SN: teenage cooties, HIV, the plague, and I pretty sure she has crabs.

SS: Do you think my nose is okay?

SN: of course...especially when I kiss it.( kisses Snape's nose)

( Snape almost faints)

P: peanut butter, ice cream, chocolate, and … marshmallows.

V: Why does it smell gross?

SN: She never likes to wash down there. That's just one of the reasons she smells like a pig with a vaginal disease.

P: I burnt it. Sorry, my lord.

V: Pious you realize that you are a talent less slug, and that you didn't add any pecans?

SN: You weren't talking to me?

P: Yes, my lord. I do realize that I am quite stupid.

SN: I wanna show you my pet chick slave.

ST: Yeah…stupid. No, pecans in the pecan log.

SS: Why do pronounce it peck-in?

ST: I don't know…why'd you steal my daughter?

SN: My- You stole his daughter?

SS: Yeah. You have a pet chick slave?

SN: Yes…

SS: That's psychotic!

ST: You stole his daughter.

SS: touché .Carry on with your chick slave collecting.

V :( sighs) You two are going to be such good friends…Maybe even lovers. Fingers crossed y'all. Lucius, what did you bring?

L: My lord, I brought extra deluxe chocolate chip large sized peanut butter and walnut cookies.

V: How many chocolate chips in one cookie?

L: 2,000.

V: Bella, call my dentist. How many cookies?

L: Oh… you wanted to eat them. I just have cardboard cutouts. And the script that comes with it.

V: ( his mouth is wide open) oh…my…evilness.

L: Snake face!

W: My lord, you are allergic to peanut butter.

V: ( huffs) Well, did everyone need to know that? Well you make out with your pillow.

W: Oh… You actually read my diary?

V: That's right you silly little rat. Scurry along, and don't touch my cheese.

SS: What a minute. Why do I smell burning apples?

(Everyone sniffs)

V: Oh… my…badness! Wormtail my apples crumble is burning in that muggle oven you bought me for my birthday. Fix it, or I'll Crucio so badly, you speak Swahili. Whatever that is.

SN: I pretty sure it's a pastry.

SS: Ooo. Like Canoli?

SN: Yeah, it has some kind of cream sauce and is nice and thick.

(AN: if you did not see an Italian Canoli on your mind, shame on you! Minds in the gutter)

V: Really! Nice… next time I visit Swahiliglend I'll ask for Swahili.

SS: I'm allergic to apple.

V: Oh…Severus, we were going to have a pie contest. Too bad, we can have acid pops.

Everyone: Ooo… Acid pops.

Draco: I AM NOT GOING TO EAT ACID POPS.

(Everyone looks at Draco, Fenrir starts poking the pecan log.)

F: I think it's alive.

V: Pious, did you charm your non-pecan pecan log to move?

Draco: I WILL NOT PUT ONE ACID POP INTO MY MOUTH.

Pious: Well…

V: !

SN: .

V:. Ha.

SN: I really didn't wanna do this to you , but- ! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, and wait for it

( death eaters waiting for it)

SN: HA!

V: impressive. Now, Draco, why do you hate acid pops?

D: I don't like acid. It stings.

V: Draco, usually acid burns… That's just chemistry.

SS: Chemistry? I love chemistry. And I'm not talking but emotion.

SN: You have no emotion.

SS: I do, but you know only for you.

SN: Ohhhh. ( smooches Snape)

Death Eaters: Awwwww...

B: I like chemistry. I mean what better chemistry is there than the chemistry of the heart? (Winks and blows a kiss at Voldemort, then at Sweeney who's making a cross with his fingers)

V: (shakes head, and continues on the restraint order)… And to stay four feet away from me… at all cost.

ST: And away from me…

V: Sure. And away from Sweeney.

SN: She can get close to me… I like a kinky girl.

SS: You mean like a three way?

SN: Absolutely.

SS: ( laughs evilly)

Wormtail: We have a late guest, Rodopholous Lestrange.

V: I thought you were fixing my apple crumble… why were you at the front door?

W: cheese?

V: Wormtail… (Sighs, and begins to fill out for a new mouse trap)

(Sweeney begins to take out his razor)

V: From afar.

Part 3

RL: My wife is here?

V: Sadly, yes. You know there are leash laws.

SN: Where I rule there was always a leash law.

SS: That's because there were always chicks like Bella.

RL: Oh…That's why I was here. To give her the leash.

L: Isn't that kinda kinky? Like bondage.

V: How would you know?

SN: You don't seem the naughty type.

L: Cissa, and I have a little fun every now and then.

V: I thought I was a super freak because I tie girls up.

L: Oh you are.

RL: ( ties Bellatrix to a chair.) Be good.

B: ( barks)

V:  _Accio_ Law book… "  _All feral dogs must be on a sixteen inch leash."_ It's not kinky it's a law.

RL: Absolutely.

L: Damn it.

Chapter 5, part 1

(Voldemort is examining his toenails when a door pops up in front of him. It squeaks open)

V: Le gasp. Nottingham street.

Random evil looking Muppets: Gloomy days, chasing the sun away, Muggles in bondage and revenge is sweet, can you tell me how to get , how to get to Nottingham street, can you tell me how to get , how to get to Nottingham street.

V: Eureka, I hit the mother load.

( the death eaters follow Voldy slowly into the world)

V: One small step for evil, a giant step for evilkind.

Part 2

Snape: What is that mysterious ticking noise?  
Snape (mumbling): Not over here, not over there…

(Stops and looks to his left and right)  
Snape: Kinda…catchy.  
(Continues bobbing, and now starts talking to a beat)  
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.  
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!  
Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.  
Dumbledore: (pops up) Dumbledore!  
(Loop continues again, and then Ron pops up)  
Ron: (as Snape is talking) Ron, Ron, Ron WEASLEY!  
(His loop continues as such, and after another, Hermione pops up)  
Hermione: Hermione, Hermione!  
(Others loop)  
Hermione: Hermione! Hermione, Hermione.  
(Harry pops up while Hermione joins the loop)  
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yeah!  
(Others loop)  
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, UH! Harry Potter, Harry Potter, that's me!  
(Looping stops)  
(Back and forth, progressively faster)  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Harry: Harry!  
Snape: Snape!  
Dumbledore: DUMBLEDORE!  
Hermione: Her…mione!  
(Looping begins again)  
Harry: Harry Potter, I'm Harry Potter.  
(Others loop)  
Harry: Harry Potter, Harry, Harry Potter.  
(Looping stops)  
All: Singing' our song, all day long at HOOOOG…WAAARTS!  
Ron: I found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!  
Harry and Hermione: Yayyyy!  
(Dumbledore and Snape look at each other)  
(Ticking stops, a huge, fake looking explosion happens.  
(Voldemort pops up)  
Voldemort: Muhuhuhahahaha!  
(Voldemort starts tapping his wand on the stage)  
Voldemort: (To the tune of The Chordettes' song Lollipop) Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy, Voldy, Voldy Voldemort!

Part 3

B: Hey Voldemort. I like your hair. It's soft and cute, and there on your head. Oh and you too Sweeney I especially love your hair. And you my sheriff-

SN: ( shivering) crabs so many crabs and bacteria.

V: I'm bald. I have like no hair at all.

B: Not even on your-

V: No!

B: I dig your baldness.

SN: Eww… she stank so bad. Eww… and she wanted me to eat it.

ST: Go away.

V: Are you still taking your meds?

B: You mean the medication I threw in the great lake?

V: You threw your meds in the great lake?

ST: (to the tune of Amazing Grace) brooding, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-

B: Duh. They said side effects are floating.

V: I worry about you.

ST: brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, brood, worry, feeling sorry for me-

B: He worries about me! I'm so putting this in my diary.

V: Bella, let's get something straight. I don't love you, will never love you, and prefer if you stay 100 yards away from me.

ST: I agree!

B: I still have that sock you gave me.

V: Bella, I told you I don't wear socks. I gave you a dirty napkin.

ST: She means from me, and I want my sock back.

B: But I still have that tissue I stole… from Voldemort I mean.

V: You stole a tissue… from my waste basket?

B: yep. It makes a lovely tampon.

V: You put my …in your…Please return my snot.

B: You sneezed into it? Voldemort's germs and lubrication? Bonus!

ST: Don't mind me, but I'm going to brood to a new tune.

V: I feel so dirty.

ST: (beat it tune) brooding, brooding, everyone loves my brooding, that's what makes me a memorable person, because I like brooding, brooding, brooding, brooding

V: What's next Bella? You're going to collect anything that comes from me? (Looks warily at Bella) Forget I said that.

B: Said what?

(Sweeney looks at the ceiling)

B: What are you looking at?

ST: Gum… on your ceiling. That had better not be my gum.

B: It is though.

V: How did you work that out?

B: Well, first I stole some chewed on gum from Draco's room, and swapped it with yours. I only chewed on it from a half an hour. Just to know what kind of gum you liked.

V: And you couldn't have asked him?

B: What fun is that?

V: Bella, let's review what we learned today. One, we don't and will never love you. Two, you're a nut job. In addition, three you're quite obsessive.

B: He said I was obsessive with love.

V: Bella…

B: He said my name with love.

V: I don't love you.

B: He said he doesn't love me… with love.

V :( Crucioes Bellatrix)

ST: why didn't I think of that?

B: (while screaming) He's Crucio-ing me… (Voldemort and Bella pause) with love.

V: 0-o

B: why are you so quiet poochie-face? I'm talking to Sweeney.

ST: I'm not your Poochie Face, Mr. Todd, or Pumpkin

B: Do you prefer to be called my sweet tart?

V: (Grabs Sweeney runs far as possibly away from Bellatrix, starts on a new restraint order)

B: Wait… (Runs after them) You're my honeybunch, sugarplum  
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, you're my sweetie pie  
SN: what about me? Save me!

Part 4

Hermione: Where can Harry be? Hmm…How do you see the clubhouse! I have an idea!

(Takes out her wand)

H: Miska Mooska Mickey Mouse

( Mickey Mouse clubhouse music)

Her: D-e-a-t-h-h E-a-t-e-r, 2xs. It's the Death Eaters Clubhouse, come inside, its fun in side; it's the Death Eater's clubhouse come inside its fun inside, roll call, Voldy

V: Here!

Her: Sweeney!

ST: Here!

Hermione: Snape!

SS: Present!

Her: And Draco!

D: Here!

(Clubhouse appears)

(Sweeney steps outside to see Hermione)

Her: Oh…That was odd. I could of tried saying "open says me" but okay.

ST: Hey, Bushy.

Her: Really?

ST: K-yep.

Her: k-yep?

ST: Yeah, I mean who else does that? Its gonna be my thang…

Her: Do you know where Harry is? I've been sitting out here waiting for Harry to come out.

ST: Harry is giving a chimpanzee a blowjob.

Her: Why is he doing that?

ST: The Dark Lord told him to. It'll only be a few minutes now. When I saw him he deep-throating.

Her: Huh. I'll come back later.

ST: Harry's honestly sucking off a chimpanzee in the basement. He really seemed to like it.

Hermione: really?

ST: yeah. Harry's one freaky guy.

Her: Okay then. Should I come around tea time?

ST: That'll be lovely.

Part 5

(Bellatrix is drawing a heart with Sweeney's name in glitter)

B: To my first pookie bear I love you with sparkles AND glitter.

V: Hey Bella. Drawing a little picture. A little picture for Mr. Todd. Picture with two people.

B: yeah. He said he'd make a deal with me. I feel so enthusiastic about this. You know sure. I00%. Absolute? Positive

V: Bella I get it. What's this deal he's asked you about

B: none of your earwax. But you don't have earwax because you don't have ears.

V: Yes I do. I just don't have a nose.

B: Alrighty nosey-boy.

V: Don't call me that, and are you rubbing his jacket against your unspeakable.

B: Yes.

V: Bella, why are you doing that?

B: Love and pleasure.

V: At least it's not my- ( notices white gunk on his robes) I feel so dirty…again.

B: I did too when I did it yesterday.

(After lunch)

ST: I'll marry you.

B/ ML: Really? ( dancing insanely) I'm gonna have his babies, I'm going to have his babies, babies, babies

ST: on one condition.

B: I'm gonna,-( stops dancing)

ST: Kill Snape -as you call him.

B: You know that Snape is also the Sheriff.

ST: Awww. I like him, he's…. fun. So kill Snape , and make sure the sheriff is happy.

B: Alright. ( back to dancing) I'm gonna have his babies.

(In Snape's room)

S: Hey, Bella. Wanna biscuit?

B: Yes-no- I mean yes, but no-I have to kill you.

SS: Why? You know at the end-

SN: ( makes obnoxious noises) I'm a fan. I haven't seen or read it. Don't ruin it for me!

SS: Fine, fine. Why do you have to kill me?

B: I wanna marry Mr. Todd. I had a whole song in the movie about me wanting to marry him.

SS: Can I pretend to be dead?

B: Hide in my closet, and hiss whenever you smell his sad, gloominess.

SS: Okay.

B: Right now I need you to gurgle and scream like you did in the movie because I mean he has to conviced.

SS What about blood?

B: I'll say I cleaned it. Scourgify.

SS: But-

B: trust me big nosed guy.

SS: (touches his nose) sure.

(Back to Mr. Todd's room)

B: Marry me now?( like an excited puppy)

ST: Yep.

B: Um…can we be a bit more formal about this?

ST: Nope.

B: I really wanna-

ST: I SAID NOPE! WITH A CAPITAL NOPE.

B: 0-o

ST: Go be a fiancé somewhere.

B: Boo-yah! Mission: Fiancé- ing.

Part 6

B: Hey Voldy.

V: Bella, aren't you married already?

B: Yeah. But I still will always love you. Although you always were into me.

V: Bella I was talking about Rodopholous.

B: Let me sing a little song for you.

(Lights dim dramatically)

B: If I were to stay, I would only be in your way-

V: Bella, I'm not affected but I think-

B:  _so I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way-_

V: The music just changed

B:  _And I- will always, love you-, will always love you._

V: That's weird and this isn't a musical.

B: It can be.

V: Draco cue the dramatic lights and new title sequence.

Part 1

D: I have seen the world – well most of it-beheld its wonders from the Dardanelles- whatever they are- to the mountains of Peru, but there's nose like Voldy's.

ST: No there's nose like Voldy's.

D: Are you trying cramp my happy space?

ST: Kinda. You have no wrinkles, the world has been kind to you

D: actually I fell off my broom-

ST: shut up, and stick to the script. You will learn.

D: No! Why else do you think I dropped out of Hogwarts! To get away from learning!

ST: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the boogers of the world inhabit it, and its mauls-

D: Ooo. Shopping!

ST: … aren't worth what a pig could spit, and it goes by the name of Voldy.

D: I thought London was a place of lemon drops and candy filling. And hot Victoria Secret models.

ST: you thought wrong. But I did see a few chicks with some big-

D: ( Sees a building covered in snow) is that London?

ST: No, Can I finish my song?

D: Yeah.

ST: At the top of the hole sit a privileged few, making mockery of the lower zoo, turning beauty into greed , I too have sailed the world seen it's wonders for the cruelty of men is as wondrous a Peru, but there's no nose like Voldy

D: London seems less happy now. ( Sees Island were they look as if they had a war, but are smiling and passing out candy.) That almost fits your emo metaphor. Is that London?

ST: No.

D: Alright continue.

ST: There was a barber and his wife and she was beautiful.

D: does this have anything to do with you?

ST: A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful.

D: She must be extra hot.

ST: Stop drooling! And she was virtuous and he was naïve. There was another man that saw that she was beautiful, a pious

D: Like the Death Eater.

ST: Draco, I'm talking about a holy guy of the law. And with a gesture from his claw, removed the barber from his plate, then there was nothing but to wait, and she would fall so soft,

D: like cotton candy

ST: so young,

D: like me

ST: so lost,

D: like a puppy

ST: and oh so beautiful.

D: Hmm… Victoria Secret beautiful.

ST: Yeah.

D: Anything else?

ST: Oh that's London. ( Points at a island with dim lights, and gloomy gothic buildings)

D: Oh. That's-

ST: depressing.

D: Wow. Hey… I lived in London for all my life.

ST: We just did the opening to Sweeney Todd for no reason.

D: I know. Back to Harry Potter references.

Part 2- The Wedding

SN: Before I start are there any objections?

( Sweeney raises his hand)

SN: ignoring Mr. Barker.

ST: Who told you my name?

SN: People. Look I don't have thirty minutes to waste… I happen to have a wench waiting, so I'll be reading quick nuptials.

ST: Alright.

SN: Do you Nellie Lovett take – BENJAMIN BARKER!- to be your lawfully wedded husband?

NL: Well… I had my own vows written…

SN: Bella… five minutes.

NL: Benny, I knew you for all the time that screwball wife of yours was married to you. I absolutely loved you then and absolutely hate your wife. She's dumber than twin rocks, and is uglier than a baboon's behind. Look at me , I mean my boobies shame hers. And look at this ass. Grade A honey, grade A.

SN: She does have a nice ass- a Beyonce' ass. BENJAMIN BARKER!- do you take Nellie Lovett to be your lawfully wedded wife?

ST: ( nods)

SN: alright, by the power invested in state farm and safe Auto… And that guy from glee , and Morgan Freeman, and Captain jack sparrow-

ST: finish it up!

SN: Oh, and that dude from CSI Miami, the one with the shitty jokes, I pronounce you witch and weird guy. You can now kiss the bride.

ST: What about God?

SN: oh , and Him too. Kiss your bride go ahead.

ST: (shivers)

NL: come here( grabs him and kisses him)

ST: Okay, I feel so violated.

SN: So cute.

NL: song?

V: um yeah.

Part 3

NL:. Mr. Todd I'm so happy, I can eat you up I really could, do you know what I'd like to do Mr. Todd after the reception. Where I'd really like to go. In an hour or so. Don't you wanna know?

BB: Actually no.

NL: Do you really wanna know?

BB: Umm…no.

NL: By the sea, , that's the sex I covet, by the sea Mr. Todd, oh, I know you'll love it, you and me, Mr. T-

BB: Mr. T?

NL: We can fuck alone in a house that we totally own, by the sea, with our bodies smashing.

BB: I know what would be smashing , Mrs. Lovett, if someone smashed your head in a door.

NL: Baby…We're married call me Nellie.

BB: Nellie, how come you are singing this song again?

NL: Just because (singing) I Love you, yes I love you.

BB: Okay….continue

NL: Think how nice it will be underneath our flannel, when it's just you and me and the erotic channels, in our cozy retreat, it won't be tidy, a few chums join us every Friday.

BB: Every Friday.

NL: I'm a kinky girl. By the sea, do you like me in leather.

ST: You? In Latex. Oh, hell naw.

NL: by the sea; we'll have fun together, by the seaside, Ooo, by the beautiful sea.

BB: Do we have to finish the song?

NL: Yes. It'll won't be so quiet that all come by it except a seagull, Ooo ,Ooo, we shouldn't try it until it's legal for two, OUR rumpled bedding legitimized, me eyes lids a flutter the moment I mutter I do.

( music)

BB: where's that coming from?

NL: By the sea, married nice and proper, by the sea we can use your chopper, to the seaside, Ooo by the beautiful sea.

BB: By the way I hate the sea.

Part 4

V: I heard you and Bella just consummated in your marriage?

ST: Don't…wanna…talk…about…it…to…anyone.

V: Poor baby. We'll this is all we can do for this installment of SPDWONS. So next time… we'll figure out what's up with you.

ST: Don't wanna!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the other characters I mentioned in this story. I also have curbed the enthusiasm to kill all of the characters and move to Oklahoma.**

Part 1

( the death eaters are at a fashion show, criticizing some questionable outfits. Joining them today areMesmer, The sheriff, Hans Gruber, Judge Turpin, Metatron, Jamie, Harry Potter, and Vicomte.)

V: I like her headband.

HP: But-a it's-a pink-a – I-a hate-a pink-a.

V: I could care less. It's floral and diamond studded.

SM: Like my eyes when they look through a girl's shirt.

V: I can slap people without touching them.

VV: Where do you get this magical power?

V: My parents.

Mes: The studs could be better- if they were green diamonds they'd match her t-shirt . Her jeans are nice though.

LM: See Voldy. I told you Mesmer and I are alike in many ways. He even likes those caramels with chocolate mousse.

Mes: Please, don't compare me to you- you freakish himbo.

SS: You owe me a sickle . that's the fifth time this week someone insulted you in such a manner.

Met: Her hair is stupid, her jeans are way too tight around her hips , and those heels make her ankles look like sausage.

JT: Ankles? I thought you said we were going to a fashion show not a strip show!

SS: I forget that you, Mesmer, and Adolfi have yet to see a woman's ankles.

JT: I've seen ankles!

ST: My wife's and my daughter's!

JT: ( crying) I'm sorry don't slice me up.

V: You have a phone?

SS: Yes… you have a computer though.

JT: What's a come- pew- tar?

V: A magical box with letters and numbers. It solves all of your issues. Even the ones you thought only Oprah could fix.

JT: I was told- by my boyfriend Hans Gruber ,we're dating- that Oprah wants me to touch him every night. Because that's what good wives do.

V: You're submissive?

JT: only for Hans.

HG: That's right babe. And only I top.

( Hans winks at Severus causing him to blush, and turn away.)

V: Severus… did you just blush?

JT: He did. He's in love. Hans is addictive like that.

SN: Sev… Be strong. Don't let Hans' winky eye trick overpower you. I'm your abusive boyfriend.

SS: That's true but…

HG: Let it overpower you. Pucker up.

SS: 'Kay. ( puckers up)

( loud, gross smooch)

HG: ( picks up Snape bridal-style) Keep my seat warm Jamie.

J: How is a ghost supposed to keep a seat warm?

JT: Oprah also told Hans to tell me to tell him that he has a nice ass. He does. Hans-

Hans: Baby, just do what Oprah says. And Oprah says I should be able to love as many dudes as I like.

JT: Mmm. Okay.

Mes: Your dad used to molest you.

JT: Everyday.

Mes: Mom didn't care.

JT: She had a boyfriend.

Mes: Wanna hug?

JT: Please.

( crowd awes and cheers)

Met: Shut up this isn't Oprah!

HG: Oprah said it is.

JT: Okay.

( an hour later, the fashion show goers are in Voldemort's parlor discussing nail polish.)

HP: I-a use-a blue-a for-a my-a toes-a. It-a works-a wonders-a for-a me-a.

V: That's nice. I use blue on my fingernails. An enemy once told me it makes me a bit more creep-a-licious.

HP: Where-a is-a Severus-a Snape-a?

JT: Hans was making love to him.

HP: did-a you-a just-a say-a make-a love-a?

JT: I'm sorry. I always get a bit sappy when he touches other people.

HP: He-a is-a gay-a?

JT: Like you aren't.

LM: I am!

HP: We-a all-a know- you-a gay-a himbo-a.

SS: You owe me another sickle.

JT: Is Hans done with you? I want-

HG: Shut up. Where is Jamie? He's next.

J: You can't actually fuck a ghost.

MES: You can fuck me!

JT: Stop saying the F-word. I'm sensitive, and I prefer it to be called lovemaking.

J: You might be just as gay as Lucius.

L: See he didn't add himbo!

SS: He was implying it though. Another sickle.

JT: Jamie's taking a bath. So you can make love to me…

HG: ( sighs loudly) fine. Just lay on the bed, I'll be there in a half hour.

JT: okay…( leaves)

F: ( panicked) my lord. The apple pie is burning! Wormtail fucked it up!

V: WTF!

J: I was here the whole time! I WANTED TO HAVE SOME SEX YOU USELESS HOE!

JT: I'm sorry.

MES:he's not completely useless.

J: He's a slut.

SS: You owe me money too. We made a bet remember.

JT: About what?

SS: If someone says anything that you are a slut-

JT: Oh.

MES: You owe him forty-five sickles then.

J: how?

MET: slut, whore, harlot, prostitute, rent boy?-

MES: rent man.

MET: rent man?

J: yes unless he's a virgin and we-

ST: let's not even play with that thought.

V: OMG. Wormtail burned the pie oh well I'll make cake later on. Hey why isn't Jamie with Grubs.

JT: You call him grubs?

V: Yes but answer my question.

JT: HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE HE LOVES SEVERUS MORE THAN ME!

V: We all saw that coming and I am not surprised. I am surprised that the Sheriff hasn't engaged to you.

SS: We are having a very rough period in our love life.

JT: As in he is looking for a lover?

SS: SLUT! 51 sickles that a whole three galleons and an extra knut.

JT: Creamy Canolis!

( The men stare warily at Judge Turpin as if not understanding the outburst. You see Bellatrix went to a specialty store last night and her new purchase it was covered in a creamy canoli sauce.)

SS: Wow...that thing is huge.

V: Obvious.

HG: I just wanna suck the cream out of it.

V: A bit on the nose.

J: It's not cut!

V: Ewww...

ST: Can't wait for it to be inside of me.

V: If that wasn't gay and obvious, I don't know what gay and obvious is.

MES: I bet it will taste nice and sweet.

V: ( face palm)

( Bellatrix lets them all get a taste)

ST: It's so salty!

V: She let you taste it.

MES: Its so thick in my mouth.

V: Sounds like a sick sick screenplay.

HG: Mmm... the cream is so yummy. And its all over my face,

V: Oh gross!

J: I think I like it uncut.

V: You like uncircumcised canolis? What about that yellow stuff right at the-

J: You mean the lemon filling even better. It's like it got jammed there on accident. Almost like an uncircumcised pen-

V: FINALLY SOMEONE OUT OF ME NOTICED HOW GAY YOU ALL SOUND!

ST: Yeesh dude we were just talking about a thick creamy Italian pastry.

HP: Didn't sound like it.

V: Maybe we should mosey on down to the next part.

Part 2

( Voldy is speaking with some Meredith Potter and his slut Geoffrey)

MP: So you are saying you found a Muppet world called Nottingham street?

V: Yes. And are you saying that you'll sell me four of your male whores for like six pounds.

MP: Six pounds... We didn't agree on six pounds.

V: Yeah you said I can have them for- Ohhhhhhh...six pounds. Like six hip thrusts.

MP: Duh? Okay, about this Nottingham street? Does it have living quarters.

V: Meredith, when I know about the real estate I'll find some equity and buy you a condo.

MP: So sweet of you...

G( Geoffrey, from An Awfully big Adventure): But Merry, we already have a condo in Hogsmede.

V: OMG! You own that condo over Honeyduke's.

MP: Yes but ( slaps Geoffrey) it's a bit old. The owner is thinking about renovating it anyway.

G: Well, we-

( Meredith slaps his mouthy whore, not caring for the blood and guts.)

V: Oh, I just waxed the floor with Harry's face, but if your willing to clean it.

MP: I ( slams Geoffrey's head into the floor) am ( slam) willing ( slam) if ( slam) you supply ( slam, slam) the wax ( slam , slam, slam)

V: Wow, even Harry can't give a wax that good.

MP: Suck me bitch!

V: Language! This is Rated M for sex , violence, and Bella's stinky vajayjay.

MP: She has a stinky vajayjay?

G: Merry, whats a vajayjay?

M: it's a woman's portal to evil.

G: Oh. Then what are titties?

V: Maybe this is a time for the next scene.

Part 3

( Voldie is having a party. Suspiciously Dumbledore is there)

V: Albus? Is that you? In a tutu?

D: Yes, but why are you wearing a cocktail dress?

V: Well, I couldn't show up in my normal robes! Severus said it would be quite uncouth.

D: Uncouth?

V: Yes uncouth! Are you like the king of boring grammar!

D: Maybe...

V: How about I show you my stables?

D: Okay.

( Dumbledore and Voldemort walk to a stable with posters of Ralph Fiennes everywhere.)

D: Who stays here?

V: I'm not sure... but I've noticed that as soon as the posters showed up, socks began to disappear. I think it's Bella.

D: I'm sure she's innocent , and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ( Dumbles is cowering in fear, sucking his thumb and begging for his mummy.)

V: Albus... are you like serious?

D: Yes! You didn't tell me it was a HORSE STABLE!

V: Umm...

D: Let me sing you a story... "  _There was a horse and this guy, and he was smoking hot, a proper artist at best buy, but then he told this stupid lie, and he was smoking hot_

V: What was his name?

D: Grindelwald.  _He had this boy you see, short little thing, ugly little nit, had a chance put his heart on his sleeve, poor thing, poor thing, but he gets dumber poor thing. So I call on him all polite poor thing, poor thing, I say the lie wasn't alright, bitch keep fronting and we will fight, poor thing, poor thing._

 _(_  The boy is at a wild S&M masked party. He is dressed like Lady GaGa and covered in sparkles.)

D: _of course when he gets here poor thing, poor thing, my S &M is all in mask, there's no he knows here, poor dear, poor thing, he wanders tormented and fucks poor thing, Albus has repented he thinks poor thing, oh were is that fag he asks. I was there alright, with my speedo on tight, I wasn't a match for such craft you see and everyone thought it so droll, his stupid horse cummed and made shit on me, so I left like super early, poor soul , poor thing_

V: Let me summarize. You invite this man to your party without Grindelwald, he parties, you party, you start a fight with him, his horse – that sneaked in there- came and shitted on you then you left the party. Wait your the poor thing!

D: Duh! I could just like tell you the story, but using Sweeney Todd songs in funnier.

V: I guess. So no horsies then?

D: No horsies then.

Part 5

( We are in Severus dreamland)

NL:  _wait what's your rush, what's your hurry, gave me such a fright I thought ye was a ghost half a minute will sit , sit ye down, SIT. All I'm saying-_

S: OMG! I'm a caterpillar! ( sniffs) What is that smell?

( he listens to Nellie singing while avoiding Nellie's spoon)

SS: That singing... those ugly hands... ( taste pie mixture) that disgusting taste... I'M IN NELLIE LOVVETS PIE!

NL: My God what is that sound? ( picks up the pie Severus is in) Oh well.

SS: No please not into your disease riddled digestive track. (Severus is plunged into Nellie stomach. It surprisingly is a jazz club.)

SS: What is this place?

RL: ( remus lupin) Just the coolest stomach club in London.

SS: Remus? This is where you where?

RL: Well yes. Nellie and I had a one night stand, then she found out I was gay...

SS: Your gay?

RL: ( pulls out an antique photo album) This is when Sirius and I drank each other's cum... This is when I learned that I had Mpreg... and this is when...( it's a picture of Micheal Jackson, a little boy, and Remus) I met my ex-boyfriend.

SS: Micheal was not gay!

RL: Where else would I get that picture? From Tumblr?

SS: Well... how do I get out?

RL: When she takes a shit.

SS: What!

RL: Wait until she takes a shit then run and jump down.

SS: Why didn't you try to leave?

RL: ( looks up and sees the other pieces of conversation) Hey! Hey Paige!

**PT: Yes, Remus?**

RL: Why are there so many W's.

**PT: Um... Just stop asking questions!**

RL: Kay, kay. So are you going to try escape my dear Severus.

SS: No... I actually like it here. My boyfriends aren't hunting me down.

RL: ( eyes widen and he looks up.) It's the big shit.

SS: The what?

RL: Run for your life!

( Everyone runs away from the middle of Bella stomach until only Severus is left. )

SS: OMG! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

( Severus wakes up. On his lap is Two girls one cup)

SS: No more sexting with Fawkes.

Part 5

( This is a serious Death Eater meeting. Everyone is dressed in plain white t-shirts and pants. Except for Voldy. He's still in his blue cocktail dress)

V: I've noticed that socks have been disappearing while these strange pictures of Ralph Fiennes have showed up in the stables.

AD: ( shivers)

V: Don't worry we aren't going, but someone is stealing socks.

B: My lord, I'm sure-

V: Bella shut up I'm sure it's you.

SON: Come on it wasn't her! Severus and I had her locked in our closet.

V: Why?

SS: See we have been sure that Bella was stealing our socks also, so we locked her in our closet yet the socks kept disappearing.

V: Why is everyone so serious?

MP: Well Geoffrey fell down the stairs and killed our baby. Bella fell down the stairs and killed her baby and I fell down the stairs and killed your baby.

V: Well, we need something weird to happen.

Fenrir: ( listening to MP3)  _What's love got to do with it! Oh yeah! Whoa!_

LM: Is that Tina Turner?

F: Well it was until you ruined the climatic funniness!

LM: Is it only me?

F: Himbo!

SS: Another sickle.

LM: (mutters)

AD: Found this letter in my pocket... it says to my feathered bunny rabbit!

V: OMG! Give it bitch! ( reaches across the table and slaps the note from Dumbles hands)

AD: Read it out loud!

SS: inside voices please.

VV: inside voices please...

HP: Ha, ha. Your hilarious!

VV: Shut up. I like Sevvy.

( Harry is now frowning and being emo)

SS: No, no don't!

V: What Severus... What is going on! I feel suddenly so preppy! So... like a pozer!

SS: Tara's doing it, making him … (  **if you read My immortal you know what's going on)** Goffick!

( Death eaters scream and run)

SS: Harry.. tell me who rocks?

H: MCR. What else you damned poser!

SS: No...no. How do you have sex?

H: He puts his thingy in my you-know-what and we do it.

SS: OMG. It is upon us. Dumbledore activate the Fanfiction ray.

D: What do you mean you mediocre dunces?

SS: No! Hermione tell me!

Hgranger: Who's that? Like, kawaii?

SS: OMG. Voldemort...

V: What doth thou want?

SS: ( hyperventilation sequence where everyone goes goffick) I'm the last one. The survivor. All I need to do know is sing...  _California girls, were undeniable, daisy dukes, bikinis on top._

**AN: That's it until next time. Bye!**   
**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Sweeney Todd, or anybody else for that matter. I have joined HPA in hopes of giving up the want to rape Alan Rickman.**

**In this episode: 's years of obscene and out of character happiness- 3rdinstallment of Sweeney Potter: demon barber of Nottingham street: Snape is engaged to : Mesmer, The sheriff, Hans Gruber, Judge Turpin, Metatron, Jamie, Harry – from love actually,- the only problem, he thinks he is a fairy . Wedding plans are being made, Bella is interested in several waxes, Voldemort buys himself a new wardrobe and is insisting all bunnies are evil, Johanna and Anthony visit, and Toby wants Fenrir to be his daddy. Dumbledore wants Snape to himself**

Sweeney Potter: Demon Wizard of Nottingham Street

Part 1

( The death eaters are enjoying some soup while sitting in a suspiciously sunlight filled garden. Bella is beginning to get worried)

B: This is like by the sea. Somebody is gonna start singing about their wife or living by the ocean.

V: Oh Bella don't you worry one bit. I killed everyone who I thought was going to sing.

F: Why are we eating soup?

V: It's healthy for you. Plus we have some good news.

LM: That would explain the light airy music.

V: What music?

Jo:  _Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, black bird, how is it you sing? How do you truly like sitting in cages , never taking wing. Outside the sky lays beckoning-_

V: Oh shit. They are coming, they are coming.

LM: What are you doing?

V: Well, Our good news is in danger of Johanna's gloominess. Let's move somewhere else.

( They move to some picnic tables)

B: What's the good news?

V: Well, well Bella who knew you were interested in religion?

B: The other good news please _._

V: I think Snape would like to announce it.

( Severus is wearing a pink tutu, ballet slippers, and fairy wings)

P: What the fuck are you wearing?

SS: Well, I'm getting married and I believe that all brides are fairies.

F: who thinks that?

V: clearly he does! Who are you marrying?

SS: Well, tomorrow it will be Jamie and I. We already have everything planned out. Next week it's Mesmer and Metatron. Then the Sheriff and Turpin. Then Harry and Hans.

V: That's so great. Who's invited?

V: where are you're male lovers?

SS: Choosing a dress for me.

F: a dress? With those hips?

DM: Can we see it anytime soon?.

SS: Of course! You are all invited to my wedding tomorrow evening. Bring salsa and gifts please. ( Severus skips away leaving the death eaters with cold soup)

LM: Oh... he's a fairy!

V: ( face palm)

Part 2

( We are now watching as Severus is squeezing into a ball gown and fairy wings. Grindelwald is assisting him)

GG: Well if you didn't cry yourself to sleep last night while eating that pint of ice cream, you'd fit into your dress just fine!

SS: Stop yelling! I have a headache. ( pulls out a stash of plain chips from his bra)

GG: You keep crisps in your bra?

SS: ( chewing) just in case.

GG: So who is the lucky man marrying such a plump darling?

SS: Jamie, Metatron. Mesmer, Hans Gruber, Judge Turpin, Harry, and the Sheriff.

GG: Um...

SS: Don't worry. We consummate on different nights.

V: ( pops head in) We're ready.

SS: AH! ( tosses crisps back into his bra)

Part 3

GG: We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Severus Snape and Jamie the Ghost. Before I begin are there any objections?

( crickets)

GG: Good. Now Jamie the ghost do you take Severus Tobias Snape as your lawfully wedded wife?

J: I do.

GG: And Severus Tobias " fairy miss" Snape. Do you accept Jamie the ghost as your lawful husband?

SS: Of course I do. ( sprinkles fairy dust over the minister)

GG: Then by the power invested in Kroger, McDonald's, O' Charlies, and that kid from glee-

SS: What about God dearest?

GG: And God, I pronounce you ghost and fairy prince.

SS: YES! I am finally married to one of the men of my dreams! ( smooches Jamie) Let's go consummate our marriage.

J: I'm scared. He promised a fairy orgy.

**Three days later...**

SS: Hello everyone. I have more wonderful news today!

V: Well?

( Everyone leans forward)

SS: I'm pregnant with Jamie's child. We are going to have the first ghost fairy ever.

J: Ghost fairy?

SS: Yes ghost fairy. Because you are a ghost and I am a fairy prince.

V: Are you going to postpone the other weddings?

SS: No! In two more minutes I need my wings and dress. Tell Mesmer and Metatron to get ready for me.

V: But...

SS: ( eyes flaring) I said GET MESMER AND METATRON READY!

V: Okay, okay.

**In the dressing room of Severus Snape**

( He is now in a mermaid gown and pixie wings. He has a blue tiara)

SS: I can't wait! I'm marrying two more men today!

V: I know isn't that great? But I have some good news too.

SS: Oh do you?

V: Well, Grindelwald and I are lovers. We have been like this for a month now.

SS: That's awesome. Are you two … bed partners?

V: Well yes. I think we are going to have lots of babies. Plus it's my birthday!

SS: Great. ( murmuring about not being the sparkle queen) Do you want a present?

V: Duh. I want a stuffed animal, Mp3, cheese, and Pantene shampoo for my wigs.

SS: Awesome you will see them at your table in three minutes.

**Three minutes...**

V: HE GAVE ME BUNNIES! HE GAVE ME BUNNIES. BUNNIES TERRIFY ME!

D: Weren't you the one that killed one?

V: Yes, but that was because it bit me!

AD: Well , well. Tommy is afraid of something.

V: Shit! Okay, okay. I'll just move the bunnies from the table. ( in a haphazard suit, moving the bunnies slowly into a box)

AD: Can I-

V: NO!

AD: Can we just like move to the next chapter?

Part 4

SS: Well, I am married to three lovely men and expecting a ghost fairy, Victorian angel, and a fairy angel.

MES: Fairy angel?

SS: Yes fairy angel because I am a fairy and Metatron is a angel. We are going to be such a lovely family.

MET: Can we just skip the next weddings and have our babies?

SS: Can we author lady?

**A.L: Of course. Let's skip.**

Part 5

SS: Look... isn't Jamie Jr. so cute. He is the most adorable fairy ghost ever. And look at Angel and Vicky. So lovely. Hans baby is sweet too. Lily Turpin is so cute and the sheriff's baby is a darling.

SN: This is so nice. We're all married and happy and have tons a children. Maybe we need a song right here.

JT: We'll call it pretty Severus.

SS: Awww... that's sweet. But next chapter.

**A.N- Well, next chapter they will sing praises to Severus! SkyElf keep asking for randomness and I shall give!**

Part 6

_JT: You see sir a man infatuate with Sev, his ardent and eager slave, so fetch some wings and fairy dust, and we'll make love and screw with lust, maybe he'll grow a lovely bust, but first sir I think we'll throw a rave_

_SN: The best one we ever gave ( whistles)_

_JT: In a merry mood Sheriff?_

_SN: Tis your delight sir catching fire from one ass to the next_

_JT: Tis true Sev can still inspire blood to pound lower not higher, what more_

_SN: what more_

_JT: can dudes require than love sir_

_SN: more than love sir?_

_JT: what sir?_

_SN: Sevvy_

_JT: ah yes Sevvy_

_( Sheriff whistles and Judge Turpin does that cool thing he does in the movie)_

_SN: Come now my friends, now to your purpose, virginity can't be taken in haste-_

_JT: Make haste sir we are to screw and then it's your turn_

_SN: My lord. And who are you to be fucking?_

_JT: Severus. And pretty as a fairy princess._

SN: Isn't he one already?

JT: Yes, but- back to the song!

_SN: Pretty as two fairies?_

_JT: What? What was that?_

_SN: Nothing sir nothing. ( music build-up) Pretty Sevvy, fascinating, making potions, prancing,_

JT: What? Severus does not prance!

SN: Says you!

_SN: Pretty Sevvy is a wonder, pretty Sevvy. Trying to save Potter or pacing in his lair. Some in him cheers the air_

_SN: Pretty Sevvy_

_JT: Silhouetted_

_SN: Drinking whiskey_

_JT: Glancing_

_SN: torturing children_

_JT: breathing lightly_

_SN: pretty Sevvy_

_SN; Blowing out his cauldron ( blowing out his cauldron), or greasing up his hair( greasing up his hair.) ( then he leaves...) Even when he leaves ( and vanish, he still remains) remains, he's there with you, he's there with you( there with you, there with you)_

_SN: Ah, pretty Sevvy, in the garden( at that window) in the class room, weather watching( flower picking) ( ho-slapping)_

_Both: How he makes a man sing, proof of heaven as your living, pretty Sevvy! Yes! Pretty Sevvy. Sir! Pretty Sevvy, Pretty Sevvy,_

_JT; Pretty Sevvy!_

( coincidentally... Anthony walks in just as they started to lube up Severus)

JT: I thought... What!

A: I didn't even know! But since you are occupied with manpussy... Johanna needs holes to be filled. ( runs out the door.)

JT:AHHHHHHHHHHHH! ( chases after him, but then turns to screen) Don't be mistaken I'm straight but horny! ( continues his chase)

SN: This would be a great time to change scenes!

Part 7

( Johanna is in her room, staring out the window... when this guy walks by and it isn't Anthony! It's the damned Judge)

J: Operation Sir I'll Marry You, part 1, phase 1- I must lure Turpin into buying me season tickets to Adventure land.

JT; Johanna! Before he fills all your holes! Marry me!

J: Only if you buy me season passes to adventure land.

JT: Whatever just marry me before she-

**AN: Until Next time when Alan Rickman prevents the marriage of his characters and becomes Johanna's lawyer.**

**Part 1**

( Voldemort is staring down a delicious looking fruit. It's Turpin's. He still reaches for it)

_V: I peel you banana, I peel you. I was half convinced of hunger, satisfied enough to dream you, happily I was mistaken, banana. I'll eat you banana, I'll eat you. Does he think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your strings, I am in the ( looks around) kitchen beside you, buried sweetly in your yellow skin_

JT: ? Are you GANDERING AT MY FOOD! I CAUGHT YOU GANDERING, GANDER, GANDER, GANDER, AND GANDER!

V: Please...

JT: Sheriff? Bring my goons!

( the sheriff brings in Beadle, Wormtail, and Sweeney. All dressed in bright neon dresses, ankle boots, and tacky wigs)

V: Ummm...

JT: It was Sevvy's idea. But anyway... ATTACK!

( They all jump Severus and dress him in matching neon dresses and a Lady GaGa mask.)

JT: Also Sevvy's idea.

V: I am so ashamed. How can you do this to me!

JT: ( starts up music for " Fergalicious)

_Beadle: Listen up y'all cuz this is it, the beat that he's playing is duh-licious_

_JT: Turpilicious, definition, make Barker seem crazy, I raped and drugged his wife and then stole his little baby. Please ex-quese me, I'm a meanie, You can't try to beat me, I got reasons why I tease 'em , your shirt is so last season. Turpilicious so delicious, my rep stays vicious, I be up in the court, just working on some victims, he's my witness_

_Beadle: Uh-huh_

_JT: I put them kids on rocks, rocks and they be on fleet street, to hang and to rot. Hold , Hold, Hold up. Check it out! Sweeney, Sweeney, Sween-ay. If you really want may, honey get some patience maybe then you'll get a chance, I'm so tasty, I can cum like crazy, Wanna taste baby, it yummy baby_

_Beadle: T to the U to the R to the PIN, he's sexy. S to the E to X to the Nymphomaniac. T to the U to the, to the, hit to Judgy Pants_

JT: Well, I kind of blank out here. But remember I am Turpilicious! ( walks out with his goons.)

V:  _I'll peel you banana, and someday. I'll eat you. Til I'm with you I am with you there, sweetly buried in your yellow skin_

_Part 2_

HP: I always wondered why you hate so much. Teach me

V: ( Born this way make-up on and butt naked.)  _It doesn't matter if you like him or hook up on a whim, baby I just hate this way. The orphans told me when I was young we are all loveless fools, So I grew up and killed off my dad, Evil Shall Forever Rule. If I had a mom I probably say she told me to be confident, but I don't so I can complain, I'm annoyed can't you take a hint. I'm pissed off today because you backstabbed me baby, I'm on the wrong track honey I just hate this way. I can be considered gay, you usually pair me this way, but then it's usually angsty I hate this way. Boo there ain't no other way, harry I just hate this way!_

_V: I don't wear pants or even shoes , so I'm kind of weird. I'm totally hairless and a freakshow, dude where is my epic beard. Hans Gruber and the sheriff , their facial hair is amazing. But me I'm bald and that is so lame, but I hate crying. I'm pissed off today because you backstabbed me baby, I'm on the wrong track honey I just hate this way. I can be considered gay, you usually pair me this way, but then it's usually angsty I hate this way. Boo there ain't no other way, harry I just hate this way!_

HP: okay, I get it! You hate me and you wanted to prove it with lady gaga!

_Part 3_

( We are in a court room with Judge Turpin as a Judge. Alan Rickman as a lawyer, and A little kid as the defendant)

JT: Why are we even in court we know the little brat took the last granola bar!

AR: It is only right for justice to be delivered equal-ly.

JT: I say we don't do this scene. And what until Paige decides to give us more oopfhm!

AR: I say Nay.

JT: All in favor of Mr. Alan Snootypants!

AR: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

( whole court raises hands)

JT All in Favor of the Priest of Sexiness?

GITA: ( girl in the audience) Alan Rickman!

JT: Me dummy!

( no one responds)

JT Overruled! Since my name is Gerald Turpin. Yes, Gerald. I change it every week...no one gets any parts until paige is inspired! Sky Elf! Come save us all!

  
  


Part 1

( Severus is helping his cousin- Alexander Dane- unpack. His cousin is known to be bit of a drama queen)

SS: This is such a pretty crown! ( showing Alexander a jeweled tiara)

AD: Crowns are always pretty. Jeweled or not jeweled! And pretty is such a gauche word for this beautiful gift from the queen. 

SS: That's nice.

AD: Nice! Please nice is the word a man says when he has no other words for an ugly woman. Nice is what the director says when he doesn't want you! Nice is an understatement for everything!

SS: Ally? Don't you miss not being famous? When we could just play tag in the front yard.

AD: Darling. When you are a multi-millionaire actor in one of the best plays in the world...you don't just...you know- play tag dearest!

SS: I have kids.

AD: Kids! The glorious off spring of two lovers caught in dying embrace. Still perfectly ( he's holding Severus' stomach) in the mother's womb, trapped in the wet enclosures of her warm sex, as it pushes it out! Oh, the babe is a marvel!

SS: Do you have kids?

AD: My lover- John Gissing- is actually going to adopt a few for us! Oh how our house shall be full of the little babes, the pitter patter of padded feet on Christmas morn. The soft skin of their hands brushing against you. Ah!

SS: John Gissing? Like John Gissing of Dildos Inc.?

AD: I prefer the term pleasure toy.

SS: So...

AD: Yes.

SS: Wow. We dated once. Like for two seconds. He asked me for the time. I said “ Do I look like a watch?”. He smiled and walked away. His name tag fell off-

AD: This can be much more speedy if you sang!

SS: Um okay. _There was this wizard and this guy. And he was John Gissing. A sexy wizard and this guy, and he had these gorgeous eyes, and he was John Gissing. And I was walking by and he said “what time is it?” Then he had to get in his car, cuz he was fucking late, but I missed him and wanted mar..._

AD: More?

_SS: Mar babe mar!_

SS: Well...that is the end of this episode! See you next time on wheel of Voldie!

 

 


	2. Sweeney Todd Parody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the all Sweeney Todd parody. I worked pretty hard on this one.

Anthony: _I have seen the world beheld – yes beheld like me wearing 18_ _th_ _century clothing isn’t enough- wonders. From the Dardanelles- whatever those are I didn’t read the pamphlet they gave me, to the mountains of Peru. But there’s no place like London._

 

Sweeney: _No there’s no place like London._

 

Anthony: LE GASP AND FEIGNED SURPRISE! Mr. Todd, you can sing? ( faints like the fangirl he is) As if being a super sexy pants wasn’t enough.

 

Sweeney: Anthony?

 

Anthony: Yes, Mr. My - lovely- singing- partner? ( applying MAC lipstick) It’s for AIDS… or prostate cancer, both sound nice.

 

Sweeney: O.0

 

Anthony: What can’t a man care for another man’s pleasure spot?

 

Sweeney: ( warily steps from Anthony) _You are young. The world has been kind to you. You will learn-_

 

Anthony:( huffily puts down his makeup case) Mr. Todd, I’m sixteen and I’m on a boat. If I wanted to learn I’d be in the horrible place called ( dramatic pause, sinister voice) schooool. 

 

Sweeney: That’s explains how confused and gay you are.

 

Anthony: ( humming the Smurfs theme song) Sing a happy song.

 

Sweeney: _There’s a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it, and it’s mauls-_

 

Anthony: Shopping! I really like some cute malls in London so I guess its 

 

Sweeney: ( ignoring Anthony completely) _Aren’t worth what a pig could spit, and it goes by the name of London. At the top of the hole sit a privileged few, making mockery of the lower zoo-_

 

Anthony: Zoos? I saw a zoo with elephants-

 

Sweeney: Anthony!

 

Anthony: Pronounce it without a h.

 

Sweeney: Anthony pronounced without an H! Stop interrupting me!

 

Anthony: meep.

Sweeney: _Turning beauty into greed, I too have sailed the world, seen it’s wonder. For the cruelty of man is a wondrous as Peru, but there’s no place like London._

 

Anthony: meep- I thought London was a place of kings, queens, and Victoria Secret models.

 

Sweeney: You also thought that prison guard was Edward Scissor-hands, when I play the screwy version of him.

 

Anthony: That means your-

 

Sweeney: Yes, I’m-

 

Anthony: ( high- pitched girly scream) Johnny -sexy face, dirty hair -Depp! ( faints) 

 

Sweeney: _I’m gonna continue the song… There was a barber and his wife and she was beautiful. A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life and she was beautiful. And she was extra hot and he got fucked up_ \- and no Anthony not super sexy fun time.

 

Anthony: Oh, man. And I was envisioning you having a hot S&M party!

 

_**Flashback** _

 

Lucy: We're so young! So oblivious! So naïve! What do we know about loosing someone dear.

 

Benjamin: I know and look at these bush daisies. Don't they compliment our naivety. 

 

( over to behind some gillyflowers)

 

Turpin: ( eating granola bar) of all the other flowers, we choose gillyflowers. Lets move to the roses.

( now behind roses)

 

Beadle: May I have some? ( extending hand)

 

Turpin:( smacks Beadle's hand) No and who is that attractive woman?

 

Beadle: Rima.

 

Turpin: Not her- I already have sex with her. The frumpy bitch with her tits hanging out.

 

Beadle: Oh, that's the town slut Lucy Barker.

 

Turpin: Maybe I can buy her for Rima's birthday... I think we should send him to Australia.

 

Beadle: He didn’t do anything wrong.

 

Turpin: Beadle your Wormtail is showing. ( Beadle covers his crotch) if your going to be my evil, ugly, and sexually suggestive sidekick with nasty ass teeth, go with the stupid flow .

Turpin: ( motions child over.) Want some granola? ( kid nods head) Too bad twerp. ( Judge Turpin gives the child a wedgie, pours granola on him, and sticks a dildo up his ass.) Now go give Mr.Todd this letter.

( kids runs to Mr. Barker crying and begging for his parents)

 

Benjamin: “ Dear parents of this random child, I have taken your child and spilled granola all over him. As you see he has received a wedgie from me as he will be getting everyday .He and any random pet of his shall be covered by Safe Auto and sodomized crudely –“ What?

Turpin: STEALING GRANOLA AND WEDGIED COVERED KIDS, AND SODOMIZING BADLY COVERED PETS! NOT ON MY GUCCI WATCH! LE GASP AND IN FRONT OF YOUR DELICIOUS WIFE IN THAT SEE- THROUGH BODICE! OH THE SHAME! OH THE DELICIOUS BREASTS I SHALL BE FUCKING LATER ON! 

 

Benjamin: This kid-

 

Turpin: ARREST THE KIDNAPPING FIEND!

 

Police: fiend? Come on he’s just-

 

Turpin: ARREST HIM!

( police hit Mr. Barker with a can of beans)

 

Turpin: Why’d you hit him with a can of beans?

 

Police: this is a movie, what if Johnny actually got hurt?

 

Turpin: Why so serious all of a sudden.

 

Police: Who knows?

 

Turpin: Touche' 

 

(police hit Mr. Barker with a can of beans- again)

 

Benjamin : ( passed out) Okay, Mr. Ray, I’ll buy you pecans just buy my rice cake…

 

Turpin: Seeing that the most you’ll husband will be getting is from koala bears and dingoes...

 

Lucy: How did you sweep over here so quickly? 

 

Turpin: Magic Judge powers. You like?

 

Lucy: 0-o

_**Present time** _

 

Anthony: Mr. Todd, if Lucy was a party slut, then why was the judge chasing after her? I mean I've seen some party sluts, but your wife sounds skimpy.

 

Sweeney: o.0

 

( he leaves are stupid, confused sailor to daydream about candy)

 

Anthony: pop rocks are still relevant right?

 

Director: No…

 

Anthony: DAMN YOU! THEY ARE DELICIOUSLY UNHEALTHY AND LIFE THREATENING!

 

Scene 2

 

( Sweeney remembers the weird lady underneath his house.) 

 

Sweeney: ( taking out a Willy Wonka set of keys) Please don’t be home, please be out. ( can’t find the right key.) Damn. I need to get inside before- aha! ( opens door.)

 

Mrs. Lovett: GOOD LORD! A CUSTOMER! AND HE’S NOT A LAW OFFICIAL.( tries to rape Sweeney)

 

Sweeney: Get off me you psycho killer! ( sprays her with Dove musk)

 

Mrs. L: You have Dove musk?

 

Sweeney: it was a gift from a cellmate… Henry, I think his name was… I need to call him. ( searches in his humongous tote bag for Henry’s number.)

 

Mrs. L: Umm…

 

Sweeney: Don’t mind me- sing your song. ( still searching through bag) Ooh. The novel I was writing.

 

Mrs. L: _Wait what’s your rush what’s your hurry? Gave me such a fright I thought you was a ghost. Half a minute will you sit, sit you down, sit. All I’m saying is I haven’t seen a customer in weeks , did you come in for a pie sir?_ ( stuffs a pie into his mouth.) _please excuse me if me heads a little vague, what was that, but you’d think we have the plague._

 

Sweeney: ( spits out pie) Eww…. I tasted a- ( a roach crawls from the pie, girlish scream from Sweeney) A bug.

Mrs. Lovett: E’s me only friend now n’ days.

 

Sweeney: ( drops bag: make-up, hairspray, techno dresses, and sex toys fall from it)

 

Mrs. L: Umm…..

 

Sweeney: ( shakes head viciously) There Henry’s!

 

MRS. L: Sure. ( picks up a dildo and some of his sexual instructional novel ) And this…

 

Sweeney: also Henry’s. We're business partners.

 

Mrs. L: O-0

 

Sweeney: ( retches from aftertaste of Mrs. Lovett’s nasty pies, all over his novel) My lord woman! How am I supposed to tell the readers how to spread the discharge!

 

Mrs. L: I can help you write that novel. While I'm doing some needed inspection ( snaps on a plastic glove.)

Sweeney: Is that some creepy insinuation that you wanna fuck me?

 

Mrs. L: If that’s ‘ow ya see it, love… ( stretching fingers)

 

Sweeney: Look, I didn’t come in here for pie-

 

Mrs. Lovett: So you did come ‘ere to fix me up all nice. Ooo, ‘ow damn lucky am I? ( rubbing hands together.)

 

Sweeney: I WOULDN’T TOUCH YOUR UNSPEAKABLE WITH A TEN FOOT POLE! 

 

Mrs. L: I wash down there…sometimes.

 

Sweeney: RAPE! RAPE! THIS DISEASE RIDDLED WOMAN IS TRYING TO RAPE ME!

 

Mrs. L : Mr. Todd this is 18th London. Do you know how many prostitutes say that everyday?

 

Sweeney: ( screams)

 

Mrs., L: Oh, shut up already. I refuse to go up there since it’s haunted.

 

Sweeney: Haunted? By ghost?

 

Mrs. L: _There was a barber and his wife and he was Johnny Depp. A proper artist with a knife, but they sent him to Australia for life, and he was Johnny Depp._

 

Sweeney: What was his crime?

 

Mrs. L: typecasting. _He had this wife you see. Stupid little thing, horny little git. Had a chance put the moon in her thing (_ _ **flashback while she is singing, Turpin is showing her a picture of him naked. She is looking out the window- drooling like a stupid fan girl)**_ _There was this judge you see, played by Alan Rickman, everyday he sent her inappropriate fan-fiction, autographs, and lots of CDs with his diction. Poor thing ah but the best part is to come poor thing. So Tim calls on her all polite, poor thing, poor thing he says the judge is all contrite, he blames himself for mixing up flights, he must come straight to his play tonight poor thing, poor thing_

 

Sweeney:(eating popcorn)

 

_Mrs. L: of course when she gets there poor thing, poor thing, there having the show all in mask, there’s no one she know there poor dear poor thing, she eats popcorn tormented and drinks poor thing, Rickman has repented she thinks poor thing, where is playbill she asks, he was there all right with pants extra tight._

 

Sweeney: tight period clothes!

 

Lucy: Who the fuck are you?

 

Turpin: Um… Metatron? Come to sate your maiden like … meat grinder?

 

Lucy: Just make sure I have a warranty.

 

_Mrs. L: She wasn’t a match for such craft you see, and everyone thought is so droll, they were right to thing she was daft you see, so all of them stood there and laughed you see poor soul, poor thing._

 

Sweeney: My Lucy raped on stage by a beautiful thespian. Oh No! Oh no! 

 

Mrs. L: It’s you? Damn aren’t I slow? Change of plans. She’s dead!

 

Sweeney: Oh. Well, I planned to do a lot of dirty things to her when I got back, but- Okay.

 

Mrs. L: I have something to show you.

 

Sweeney: Your boobs do not interest me! 

 

Mrs. L: Shut up! They are lovely in there own sense.

 

( they are en route to the room upstairs. Mrs. Lovett takes out the razors.)

 

Sweeney: _These are my friends. See how the glisten, see this one shine, how he smiles in the light my friend._

 

Mrs. L: I love you too. I’m your friend too Mr. Todd. 

 

Sweeney: _Speak to me friend, whisper I’ll listen. I know I know. You’ve been locked out of sight all these years like me my friend. But now I’m home…_

 

Mrs. L: I love you so damn much…

 

Sweeney: Fuck off. _My lucky friends. You there my friend._

 

Mrs. L : If you love you stupid razors so much, go make love to them. 

 

Sweeney: Trust me. If I wouldn’t lose the my most valuable part of my body, I most certainly would. At last my arm is complete again!

 

( tolling music, we are now in front of a mansion, hint, hint, Anthony is reading a Novel- ways of the world 101, but it’s upside down. Yeah- he’s not that brainy)

 

Anthony: “ Next you put her right leg over your shoulder and thrust hard with your hips as here illustrated on page ten.” That is a good picture, but-

Johanna: _Green finch and linnet bird, Nightingale, blackbird. Teach me how to sing! How can you truly like sitting in cages. Never taking wing. Outside the sky lays beckoning, beckoning. Just beyond the vines. How to you remain, staring at the rain, burdened by the stars. How is it you sing? Anything?_

Anthony: Whoa, is she hot or what! But- “ Spread her discharge over her bre-

( inside the house, Turpin is doing Rima's nails. )

Turpin: Damn. I swear that bitch sings loud.

Rima: But we want her in the three-way. Just forget how loud she is.

Turpin: Sure...

( back outside)

Johanna: _My cage has many rooms damask and dark, nothing here sings,- well Rickman did sing in a few plays, but that was a long time ago! Not even my lark, larks never will you know, when their captive, teach me to be more adaptive, ahhh- why is that guy looking at me?_

Turpin: Once again birdy hints!

Rima: Three-way? 

Turpin: Not until the whore shuts the fuck up!

Anthony: Damn! She sings so loud, but then again it's so good.

( Anthony is still staring when a beggar woman hobbles over to him)

Beggar woman: _Alms, alms for a miserable woman ( Anthony still staring) On a miserable morning, alms, alms, on a miserable morning…_

 _(_ Anthony gives the woman money, but is still staring at Johanna.)

Anthony: Who’s that yummy looking piece of pie?

Beggar: That the judge’s girlfriend Johanna. Best not cause any mischief or you’ll be receiving a lashing.

Anthony: But isn’t his girlfriend’s name Rima Horton?

Beggar: Yeah, but this is a movie, Rated R he can have as many women as he likes!

Anthony: ( still staring because who heard of a smart hero) _I feel you Johanna, I feel you. I was half convinced I’d waken. Satisfied enough to dream you, happily I was mistaken, Johanna._

Johanna: OMG! I should tell my amazingly sexy fatherly figure that a man is looking at me, but since he has a three way planned...

Anthony: _I’ll steal you Johanna, I’ll steal you. Do they think that walls can hide you, even now I’m at your window, I am in the dark beside you, buried sweetly in your yellow hair. ( Anthony is at Turpin’s door, noting that his house smells like nail polish and cum)_

Turpin: Come in lad. Do you want some tea?

Anthony: Yes. I’m sorry I got lost on the way to Hyde Park.

Turpin: Then what's that? ( referring to Anthony's book)

( Tosses book back into street, hitting Lucy and killing a few puppies)

Anthony: That's just a guide to boat sailing.

Turpin: That's means your a sailor, which means you've traveled, which means you screwed various women, which means you are a pimp, which means YOU GANDERED AT ME WARD!

Anthony: ( shrieks like a little girl) Don’t subject the wrath of God upon me! Have mercy on me Metatron!

Turpin: I’m not the Metatron!

Anthony: Don’t set the wrath of the Sheriff of Nottingham, upon me! Have mercy Milord!

Turpin: I’m not the sheriff!

Anthony: Don’t subject the wrath of Snape upon m-

Turpin: Anthony! Beadle beat him senseless for plot related reasons that shall not be revealed to the audience later on in the movie.

Antony: ( shrieks)

Beadle: Die, die, die! Hate, hate, hate! ( beating Anthony)

Anthony: Why are you doing this Wormtail? Why are you in allegiance with the Dark lord!? Your friends trusted you!

Beadle: WTF are you talking bout? Me name is Bamfield. Not Wormtail!

Anthony: ( shrieks)

Beadle: Next time you mistake me characters, it’ll be your pretty little brains-

Anthony: You think I pretty? Well… Beadle… I’m flattered!

Beadle: (almost crushing his skull) ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT!

Anthony: _I feel you Johanna, And even though I gonna get killed, till I’m with you there, sweetly buried in your yellow hair._

Turpin: Heroes were never brainy.

( We are in a market, and Mrs. Lovett is dragging Mr. Todd to crowd)

Todd: NO! I’M NOT INTERESTED IN A FULL ON ORGY WITH 50 WITH GUYS.

Mrs. Lovett: Not really gonna do that love. Just threatnin’ ya! 

Todd: ( whimpering like a little girl)

Toby: _ladies and gentlemen my a have your attention puh-lease. Do you wake every morning in shame and despair, to discover there is no whore there_

Beadle: Hmm…My bed does seem a bit- whoreless…. 

Crowd: ( murmuring) no whores…shame… despair?

Toby: _well not to be there, gentlemen you can now waken at ease, you will never again have a worry or care I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare. Gentlemen you are about see something that rose from my bed…and is giving me head._

_( tis true a prostitute was giving young Toby head.)_

_Toby: Twas Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir, that’s wot did the trick sir, true sir true, was it quick sir, did it in a tick sir, just like elixir out to do, wanna buy a bottle mister only cost a penny guarantee. Try Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir, anything that’s thick sir soon sprouts curls, try Pirelli’s when they see how thick sir, you can have your pick sir of the girls_

Mrs. Lovett/ Mr.Todd: Are we standing near an open drench, what’s that stench, pardon me ma’am what’s that stench, are we standing near an open drench

Toby: Look you two I need money so shut the fuck up about the smell!

  
  



End file.
